This being one of the last weeks in August, many of you will hear numerous people utter the sentence, "Well, I guess Summer's officially over." (Or something very close to that.) Knowing how calendar-savvy my readers are, I've prepared a speech you can deliver so as to correct these poor, misinformed souls:
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[the following should be shouted intensely]:
NO!
NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
No. No. No!!!
Summer is NOT "officially" over yet, you stupid piece of dog shit!! Look at a fucking calendar!! Summer ends in late September! LATE September!!! Not the day after Labor Day. Not the first day it's under 70 degrees outside! LATE. SEPTEMBER!!!! (You're dumber than donkey shit, you know.) I'll bet you're also one of those people who thinks that Winter ends the week after Christmas. Wrong again!! Wrong a-fucking-gain!! The reason it stays really cold until the middle of March is because IT'S STILL FUCKING WINTER THEN!!! And, right now, it's still mother-fucking summer! RIGHT NOW!!! RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!!! In fact, we still have a whole MONTH of summer left-- SO FUCKING ENJOY IT!!! What a fucking idiot you are!
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So yeah! Print that out and carry it around in your wallet or whatever. I've found that's it's useful to carry two copies: One regular one... and one with some of the profanity marked out (for an audience consisting of people under the age of 8.)
Sorry to get so emotional. I just don't like it when people short-change my 3rd-favorite season.
You're welcome.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I've decided to become a vegetarian, once removed
So I think I get the whole "being a vegetarian" thing. It's good for the environment and supposedly it's a lot healthier. Not to mention, there's no harm done to the animals. But here's the thing: I like meat!! That said, I still think it's important to do something.
So here's what I decided to do: compromise.
I don't want to go through the hassle of not eating meat, and I'm still going to eat animals. But from now on, all the animals I eat need to be vegetarians. It's what I call, "being a vegetarian, once removed." What does that mean if you're planning to have me over for dinner anytime soon? If it eats other animals, no dice! No shark meat, no bear meat, no owl meat, etc.
So. What if I don't know if an animal does or doesn't eat meat? What does a salmon eat? I don't know. Grass? It's this little technique I like to use called "guessing."
So now that we've established that "being a vegetarian, once removed" is a real thing, what other ramifications does it have? I think it's best if I just give you an example:
Let's say you're a farmer who's just out minding your own business when all of a sudden, a moose attacks you. It's really mad and it ends up biting off one of your fingers and swallows it whole. (For the sake of argument, let's say you somehow know for a fact that this particular moose has been a vegetarian prior to this incident.) Is it OK to kill the moose and eat it? After all, it's your finger, so the net effect is pretty-much zero. On the other hand: if you eat an animal that's eaten part of you, does that make you a "self-cannibal, once removed?"
I think this is one of those questions that's outside of my pay grade, folks.
You're welcome.
So here's what I decided to do: compromise.
I don't want to go through the hassle of not eating meat, and I'm still going to eat animals. But from now on, all the animals I eat need to be vegetarians. It's what I call, "being a vegetarian, once removed." What does that mean if you're planning to have me over for dinner anytime soon? If it eats other animals, no dice! No shark meat, no bear meat, no owl meat, etc.
So. What if I don't know if an animal does or doesn't eat meat? What does a salmon eat? I don't know. Grass? It's this little technique I like to use called "guessing."
So now that we've established that "being a vegetarian, once removed" is a real thing, what other ramifications does it have? I think it's best if I just give you an example:
Let's say you're a farmer who's just out minding your own business when all of a sudden, a moose attacks you. It's really mad and it ends up biting off one of your fingers and swallows it whole. (For the sake of argument, let's say you somehow know for a fact that this particular moose has been a vegetarian prior to this incident.) Is it OK to kill the moose and eat it? After all, it's your finger, so the net effect is pretty-much zero. On the other hand: if you eat an animal that's eaten part of you, does that make you a "self-cannibal, once removed?"
I think this is one of those questions that's outside of my pay grade, folks.
You're welcome.
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