Thursday, July 21, 2011

proposed porno screenplay

Straight porn needs a lot of talking/dialogue to keep things moving and make the situation seem somewhat plausible. Most viewers wouldn't believe that a woman would just feel like having sex; there typically needs to be a "perfect storm" type of situation where her air conditioner breaks, she doesn't have enough money to tip the pizza delivery guy, and/or her psychic assures certain doom if she doesn't eat a half gallon of ice cream off her newly found lover's cock.

Men, on the other hand, need no such motivation-- particularly two (or more) gay men. I once saw a gay porn flick where the only line of dialog for the first 45 minutes was, "Hey.  Lets go to the den." It makes gay porn more "to-the-point", but we also miss out on amazing dialog and compelling plots. That's why I decided to write a script for a new gay porn:

For the sake of argument, lets say the scene takes place at our local Subway. A young gentleman comes in to order a sandwich and the following occurs.  (The actors are both speaking with super-sultry voices.)

Hot Guy:  So. I'm here to order a sandwich.

Hot Subway Guy: Oh yeah? That's what most of our customers do here. You're not different from the rest of them?

HG: Maybe. I like my sandwiches to be super fresh. I think you should show me the back room where you keep all the freshest ingredients.

HSG: Well here at Subway, we only use the freshest ingredients. And we make the sandwiches right in front of you so there's no guessing as to how your meal gets made.

HG: That kind of talk gets me all warm and toasty.

HSG: Not as warm and toasty as our toaster oven can make any sub on the menu at no additional charge.

HG: I'm just going to cut to the chase. I came here for sex. With youuuuu.

HSG: That sounds nice.

HG: Do you like to role play?

HSG: You mean wear costumes and stuff like that?  Sure. I'm game.

HG: (Tosses HSG a duffle bag.)  Here. Put this on.

HSG: (Opens duffle bag.) A Quizno's uniform? I don't think I...

HG: I could always go down the street to Quizno's.

HSG: Hmmmm. Let me think about that for a minute.

HG: You've got 15 seconds.

(15 seconds elapses as dramatic quiz show type music plays. Both stare longingly into each others' eyes.)

HSG: You're right. You should probably just go down the street. I'm too loyal to Subway to ever do that to them. They're a great company that provides delicious sandwiches at affordable prices.

THE END

and You're Welcome.

Monday, July 11, 2011

to Russia, with love

So blogger has this interesting feature where you can check out where your page views are coming from: 

I didn't realize what an international phenomenon aBBoBS has turned out to be.  Over 34% of my readers are "goddamn foreigners" (as Aunt Betsey would say).  Here are some quick thoughts concerning that:

1) I'd like to thank the 1.4% of my readers who are a part of the "Axis of Evil!"  You go, girlz!!

2) At first glance, it appears that Japan is #2 in terms of readership.  Wrong/Nope!  I've yet to acknowledge the breaking up of the U.S.S.R., so we combine the totals for Russia, Latvia and the Ukraine (55 total).  Guess what, Tojo?: Stalin comes out on top again!!

3) I wish I had more U.K. page views; the British are my favorite favourite! 

4) Greenland can go fuck itself.

You're welcome.