the loudest thing I've ever seen(?)

So we all know that the sun is one of the brightest things... but here's a question I've never heard anyone ask: How LOUD is it? First off, I know what you space nerds are thinking: "STFU! It's space! And there IS NO noise in space!" Well guess what? YOU need to STFU and stop spoiling everything!!!
OK. Now that we've got that out of the way... Think about it. I really doubt the Sun is this gentle, rolling fireplace fire. It's probably more like a nuclear jet engine exploding in a firework plant... but on a planetary scale. Explosion after explosion for thousands of years now!
Or maybe not. One of the hottest things I've seen in a movie is the lava pit at the end of Terminator 2. I mean... something's got to be really hot if it can melt a Terminator, right? But they were basically whispering at the end of that part when Arnold told them he knows why they cry... so how loud could it be? Or maybe that was just part of the special effects?
At any rate, I know you Bitches don't like leaving comments, so I won't ever get a definitive answer. Maybe Sun loudness is just one of those topics that will have to be dealt with by the next generation.
Happy holidays, and...
You're welcome.

one of those people

So I'm posting this using the blogger ap on my smartphone. When I installed it, I thought I had so many clever things to say... that now that I could post my thoughts on the fly... that nothing could hold me back. That was over a year ago.  Now I'm bored on the bus and heres my big chance. Unfortunately, the lady sitting next to me threatened legal action if I continued attempting to take pictures of my junk getting caught in the cup holder. Oh well. Here's the best one:
(It was at night)

new sin

Lust + Envy = "Lenvy"

Now for the conundrum to end all conundrums: Did I just create an 8th deadly sin, or are there now just SIX deadly sins? I vote for the latter, and here's why:

1) Lust and envy are the two lamest, weakest of the deadly sins. They should only count as "deadly" if you're doing them both at the same time. Even that's a bit of a stretch. "I'm horny because some hottie's got me all riled up, and on top of that I'm jealous that others have been with said individual, but not me!"  That's basically Lenvy in a nutshell, and it doesn't sound very "deadly" to me. You know what is way worse than Lenvy, death-wise? Bee stings!!

2) I suppose six is a nice round number, but we could always add a 7th if we wanted. How does this sound? "Pride, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Lenvy, Wrath and Not Waiting At Least an Hour After You Eat Before Swimming."

3) After the pope, the dalai lama and the chief Jew issue a ruling that Lust and Envy have been combined to Lenvy, hopefully the pope will say "Now that's what I call sinnergy!"

You're welcome.

 (The Face of Lenvy)

 

twitter

I decided to do the twitter. My name on there is puupkitty. (Pronounce it however the fuck you want.)

On there, you're limited to 140 characters for a tweet... but for some reason, your "profile" can be up to 160 characters long. Here's what I think someone should do:

Instead of tweeting messages, just keep changing your profile. Then take a screenshot of it and post that screenshot to Twitter as a photo-tweet. OR... just hand-write out notes and take pictures of those and do the same thing. Those could be as long as you want. I dunno... these are just some ideas on how to improve it.

You're welcome.

today's tip

Here's something I like to do to spread a little kindness in the world:

Hail a cab... only instead of getting a ride... pay the cab driver a compliment. "I just wanted to let you know that your cab is shining rather resplendently in the evening sun. Great job on keeping it clean!"

You're welcome.

the results are IN

... as in Stal-IN!!!

That's right! All TWO of the people that voted in my poll unanimously decided that Stalin is funnier than Carrot Top. And unlike my previous poll, I did not vote in this one.

Here is a picture for posterity's sake:

You're welcome.

my favorite google images of sharron angle with a microphone near her mouth

Work it, girl!!!

problem solved

Abortion is one of those touchy subjects. (Not that I've ever had one, but still.) Politicians are always going on about how it should or shouldn't be illegal. Well... I've come up with a solution that may put the issue to bed once and for all, and it's based on the axiom "you can't please all the people all the time."  So here it goes:

Abortion is illegal 6 months of the year. It is completely unrestricted the other 6 months.

I know what you're all thinking: Is it 6 consecutive months? No. Abortion Season (where Abortions are allowed) runs from June-August and then again from November-January. This will reduce the number of birthdays around The Holidays. Plus, the Abortion Protesters are typically religious types and would more than likely be out of everyone's hair due to seasonal obligations.

As for the summer part... I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I was born in August and I'm still a little miffed that I couldn't celebrate my birthday in school. I'm not saying I wish I'd been aborted because I didn't get to celebrate my birthday with my friends; I'm just suggesting that it be a bigger branch on the decision tree.

OK. I'm done writing. NOW, it's time to call your congressperson!

You're welcome.

when you've got to go

If you get in a bind and need to use the restroom in public, try going to a pharmacy.  Here is a script you can use:

You: Can I use your restroom?  It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: I'm sorry... it's not for customers.

You: Then what aisle do you keep the Depends?

Alternate script:

You: Can I use your restroom?  It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: It's right over there.  I'm happy I could help!

You: Wait!  Which is closer: the restroom or the Depends?

PE: I... I guess they're both about the same distance... but you--

You: It's too late!!!!  (sobs)

You're welcome.

food on FB

Sometimes someone will cook some food, take a picture of it and then post it on Facebook.  

"That looks disgusting!" is usually what I want to say.**

Most companies will use plastic food when they want something to look appealing.  Keep that in mind, people posting food on Facebook.  

**Also, I want to say the same thing when someone puts up a picture of their kid.

new poll!

I've added a poll so as to cater/pander to my marvelous Russian audience!  PLEASE VOTE!!

It is in the sidebar to the right.  Voting ends on August 21st. 

You're welcome.

proposed porno screenplay

Straight porn needs a lot of talking/dialogue to keep things moving and make the situation seem somewhat plausible. Most viewers wouldn't believe that a woman would just feel like having sex; there typically needs to be a "perfect storm" type of situation where her air conditioner breaks, she doesn't have enough money to tip the pizza delivery guy, and/or her psychic assures certain doom if she doesn't eat a half gallon of ice cream off her newly found lover's cock.

Men, on the other hand, need no such motivation-- particularly two (or more) gay men. I once saw a gay porn flick where the only line of dialog for the first 45 minutes was, "Hey.  Lets go to the den." It makes gay porn more "to-the-point", but we also miss out on amazing dialog and compelling plots. That's why I decided to write a script for a new gay porn:

For the sake of argument, lets say the scene takes place at our local Subway. A young gentleman comes in to order a sandwich and the following occurs.  (The actors are both speaking with super-sultry voices.)

Hot Guy:  So. I'm here to order a sandwich.

Hot Subway Guy: Oh yeah? That's what most of our customers do here. You're not different from the rest of them?

HG: Maybe. I like my sandwiches to be super fresh. I think you should show me the back room where you keep all the freshest ingredients.

HSG: Well here at Subway, we only use the freshest ingredients. And we make the sandwiches right in front of you so there's no guessing as to how your meal gets made.

HG: That kind of talk gets me all warm and toasty.

HSG: Not as warm and toasty as our toaster oven can make any sub on the menu at no additional charge.

HG: I'm just going to cut to the chase. I came here for sex. With youuuuu.

HSG: That sounds nice.

HG: Do you like to role play?

HSG: You mean wear costumes and stuff like that?  Sure. I'm game.

HG: (Tosses HSG a duffle bag.)  Here. Put this on.

HSG: (Opens duffle bag.) A Quizno's uniform? I don't think I...

HG: I could always go down the street to Quizno's.

HSG: Hmmmm. Let me think about that for a minute.

HG: You've got 15 seconds.

(15 seconds elapses as dramatic quiz show type music plays. Both stare longingly into each others' eyes.)

HSG: You're right. You should probably just go down the street. I'm too loyal to Subway to ever do that to them. They're a great company that provides delicious sandwiches at affordable prices.

THE END

and You're Welcome.

to Russia, with love

So blogger has this interesting feature where you can check out where your page views are coming from: 

I didn't realize what an international phenomenon aBBoBS has turned out to be.  Over 34% of my readers are "goddamn foreigners" (as Aunt Betsey would say).  Here are some quick thoughts concerning that:

1) I'd like to thank the 1.4% of my readers who are a part of the "Axis of Evil!"  You go, girlz!!

2) At first glance, it appears that Japan is #2 in terms of readership.  Wrong/Nope!  I've yet to acknowledge the breaking up of the U.S.S.R., so we combine the totals for Russia, Latvia and the Ukraine (55 total).  Guess what, Tojo?: Stalin comes out on top again!!

3) I wish I had more U.K. page views; the British are my favorite favourite! 

4) Greenland can go fuck itself.

You're welcome.

kenny rogers

So my mom's a big fan of Kenny Rogers but I'm NOT. The last time I complained about him my mom said, "You probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for Kenny Rogers."

Oh yeah? Kenny Rogers got you all jacked up on NyQuil and told dad to buy those expired condoms from the discount bin at the Chinese dollar store? I've read your diary, mom!

Sheesh!

food heaven

So is it considered rude to talk about other food while you're eating your current food? I don't think the pheasant you're eating right now would appreciate you going on about the chicken you had last Tuesday. Show some respect, people! And if your food is poorly prepared... avoid saying things like, "This is the worst veal I've ever tasted!" Somewhere a baby cow would probably be crying. (Again.)

And just for the record... I think this only goes for animals. Fish are even questionable but I'll include them just because I'm feeling generous right now. If you're a dead potato and you're reading this... I mean, come on. You're a potato. What did you expect?

You're welcome.

ode to odes

Dearest odes,
How wonderful it is
that a format exists
in that we might pay homage to things
we find homage-worthy.

Countless times have I walked the streets
and seen something that sparks my delight.
I say to myself,
"An ode I should write
so all will know that I find 'such and such'
remarkable
to the point that I wrote an ode about it."

A word three letters long.
Simple.
Pure.
To the point:
Ode.

To honor thee
A mere tribute would not do
(I scoff at tributes)
to sanctify the ode's ode-worthiness.

At the dawn of man's awareness
that he found things beautiful;
in my imagination
one man must have said to another,
"This thing I find beautiful..."
(a sunset, let's say)
"This sunset I find beautiful
and thus
I shall tell others of its beauty
but in poetic language
rather than just prose."

"Wait!" says the companion,
"Are you talking about all sunsets
or just
this particular one?"

"It matters not," the first returns,
"for I have discovered this ode
--this new thing of beauty--
a reflection of a beautiful thing
that is in and of itself
beautiful."

"Oh. I see," says the friend,
"Are you saying
that instead of calling a
'sunset' a 'sunset'
that we should
call it an 'ode' instead?"
(and it would kind of
make sense
that he would ask such a thing.
They were still
coming up with names
for things
around that time.
probably.)

"NO!
No!" retorts the beautifier.
"You're still not getting it!
I'll just write one
and show you what I'm talking about afterwards."

"I guess. but how can you
write
a sunset?"

"Nevermind," says the dreamer,
thinking about how he needs to find
some new friends.

But I digress.
And digression
does not an ode serve well.
for a well-written ode
should keep its subject at its focal point
and not go off
on some tangent.

So now I'll stop
so as to diminish odes in general
no further.
For the truest tragedy would be
for one to find all odes distasteful
based on
one shitty ode.

You're welcome.