space shuttle

So the space shuttle has been flying around DC this morning. Sort of. The experience is kind of hampered by the fact that it's ATTACHED TO A PLANE. I mean, just about anything can fly if you strap it on top of an airplane, right? I'm probably more impressed by the plane since it is able to carry a space shuttle."Hey! Did you guys see the airplane this morning? The one that can carry a 200,000 lb. SPACE SHUTTLE on its roof?" Oh well. Some things just go under-appreciated.

Anyhoos- the whole experience got me thinking-- why do people get excited to see the space shuttle? I think it boils down to this: the space shuttle is kind of a hero amongst machines due to the fact that it's been in space. Well try this one on for size: All of EARTH is in space!!!

 

 You're welcome.

fabric soften___

In this era of the internet, hydrogen bombs and supersonic jets, sometimes it's all too easy to overlook the simple things that have revolutionized our times. For example: take fabric softener. I'll bet most people's lives have been directly affected more so by fabric softener than by all the hydrogen bombs in the world combined! Here's what's even crazier: the full potential of fabric softener has NOT YET BEEN REALIZED!!!

Back in the day, people used to just wash their clothes with plain old water-- probably from a river or something. Then they said, "Let there be soap!" and there was soap and the clothes were mildly cleaner. Then... someone got the bright idea to say, "wouldn't it be nice if these clothes were just a little bit softer?" And they probably decided to invent a product that some people called "Fabric Soften." Then... Downy or whoever came along and invented fabric softenER. Just think of how crazy things will get when someone finally invents fabric softenest! It's no exaggeration to suggest that such a product would absolutely the dwarf the impact of the hydrogen bomb.

You're welcome

coffee countdown

There is some sort of timer on the coffee pots at 7-11. All of them. It's counting down to something... but TO WHAT??!!
BE. FUCKING. WARNED!!!!!
you're welcome.

animal souls

So there's this thing I've been contemplating. It mostly applies to you if you are not a vegetarian or are a vegetarian, once removed. It involves the concept of animal souls. The basic ideais as follows:

Let's say you go to a restaurant and order the steak. That cow probably weighed about 1,200 lbs and 500 lbs or so is meat that people can eat. If each person got a half pound of meat, that would be 1,000 8 oz servings. Even if you get super conservative it's still fair to say that the single cow feeds literally hundreds of people. For the sake of this exercise, we'll be super-super-conservative and say it only feeds 100 people. That's one animal soul per 100 people. On the other hand, lets say you order the quail. That's one animal soul per person. Then WAAAAY on the other end of the spectrum is the sadistic Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, where there could be dozens and dozens of animal souls per single person.

My point is this. Some towns require you to put calories on the menu. I'm saying that we should also start putting animal souls and the menu as well. Here's what the menu would look like:

Steak: 1:100
Quail: 1:1
Shrimp: Fuck you, animals.

Everyone else: you're welcome.

the loudest thing I've ever seen(?)

So we all know that the sun is one of the brightest things... but here's a question I've never heard anyone ask: How LOUD is it? First off, I know what you space nerds are thinking: "STFU! It's space! And there IS NO noise in space!" Well guess what? YOU need to STFU and stop spoiling everything!!!
OK. Now that we've got that out of the way... Think about it. I really doubt the Sun is this gentle, rolling fireplace fire. It's probably more like a nuclear jet engine exploding in a firework plant... but on a planetary scale. Explosion after explosion for thousands of years now!
Or maybe not. One of the hottest things I've seen in a movie is the lava pit at the end of Terminator 2. I mean... something's got to be really hot if it can melt a Terminator, right? But they were basically whispering at the end of that part when Arnold told them he knows why they cry... so how loud could it be? Or maybe that was just part of the special effects?
At any rate, I know you Bitches don't like leaving comments, so I won't ever get a definitive answer. Maybe Sun loudness is just one of those topics that will have to be dealt with by the next generation.
Happy holidays, and...
You're welcome.

one of those people

So I'm posting this using the blogger ap on my smartphone. When I installed it, I thought I had so many clever things to say... that now that I could post my thoughts on the fly... that nothing could hold me back. That was over a year ago.  Now I'm bored on the bus and heres my big chance. Unfortunately, the lady sitting next to me threatened legal action if I continued attempting to take pictures of my junk getting caught in the cup holder. Oh well. Here's the best one:
(It was at night)

new sin

Lust + Envy = "Lenvy"

Now for the conundrum to end all conundrums: Did I just create an 8th deadly sin, or are there now just SIX deadly sins? I vote for the latter, and here's why:

1) Lust and envy are the two lamest, weakest of the deadly sins. They should only count as "deadly" if you're doing them both at the same time. Even that's a bit of a stretch. "I'm horny because some hottie's got me all riled up, and on top of that I'm jealous that others have been with said individual, but not me!"  That's basically Lenvy in a nutshell, and it doesn't sound very "deadly" to me. You know what is way worse than Lenvy, death-wise? Bee stings!!

2) I suppose six is a nice round number, but we could always add a 7th if we wanted. How does this sound? "Pride, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Lenvy, Wrath and Not Waiting At Least an Hour After You Eat Before Swimming."

3) After the pope, the dalai lama and the chief Jew issue a ruling that Lust and Envy have been combined to Lenvy, hopefully the pope will say "Now that's what I call sinnergy!"

You're welcome.

 (The Face of Lenvy)

 

twitter

I decided to do the twitter. My name on there is puupkitty. (Pronounce it however the fuck you want.)

On there, you're limited to 140 characters for a tweet... but for some reason, your "profile" can be up to 160 characters long. Here's what I think someone should do:

Instead of tweeting messages, just keep changing your profile. Then take a screenshot of it and post that screenshot to Twitter as a photo-tweet. OR... just hand-write out notes and take pictures of those and do the same thing. Those could be as long as you want. I dunno... these are just some ideas on how to improve it.

You're welcome.

today's tip

Here's something I like to do to spread a little kindness in the world:

Hail a cab... only instead of getting a ride... pay the cab driver a compliment. "I just wanted to let you know that your cab is shining rather resplendently in the evening sun. Great job on keeping it clean!"

You're welcome.

the results are IN

... as in Stal-IN!!!

That's right! All TWO of the people that voted in my poll unanimously decided that Stalin is funnier than Carrot Top. And unlike my previous poll, I did not vote in this one.

Here is a picture for posterity's sake:

You're welcome.

my favorite google images of sharron angle with a microphone near her mouth

Work it, girl!!!

problem solved

Abortion is one of those touchy subjects. (Not that I've ever had one, but still.) Politicians are always going on about how it should or shouldn't be illegal. Well... I've come up with a solution that may put the issue to bed once and for all, and it's based on the axiom "you can't please all the people all the time."  So here it goes:

Abortion is illegal 6 months of the year. It is completely unrestricted the other 6 months.

I know what you're all thinking: Is it 6 consecutive months? No. Abortion Season (where Abortions are allowed) runs from June-August and then again from November-January. This will reduce the number of birthdays around The Holidays. Plus, the Abortion Protesters are typically religious types and would more than likely be out of everyone's hair due to seasonal obligations.

As for the summer part... I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I was born in August and I'm still a little miffed that I couldn't celebrate my birthday in school. I'm not saying I wish I'd been aborted because I didn't get to celebrate my birthday with my friends; I'm just suggesting that it be a bigger branch on the decision tree.

OK. I'm done writing. NOW, it's time to call your congressperson!

You're welcome.

when you've got to go

If you get in a bind and need to use the restroom in public, try going to a pharmacy.  Here is a script you can use:

You: Can I use your restroom?  It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: I'm sorry... it's not for customers.

You: Then what aisle do you keep the Depends?

Alternate script:

You: Can I use your restroom?  It's an emergency!

Pharmacy Employee: It's right over there.  I'm happy I could help!

You: Wait!  Which is closer: the restroom or the Depends?

PE: I... I guess they're both about the same distance... but you--

You: It's too late!!!!  (sobs)

You're welcome.

food on FB

Sometimes someone will cook some food, take a picture of it and then post it on Facebook.  

"That looks disgusting!" is usually what I want to say.**

Most companies will use plastic food when they want something to look appealing.  Keep that in mind, people posting food on Facebook.  

**Also, I want to say the same thing when someone puts up a picture of their kid.

new poll!

I've added a poll so as to cater/pander to my marvelous Russian audience!  PLEASE VOTE!!

It is in the sidebar to the right.  Voting ends on August 21st. 

You're welcome.