kenny rogers

So my mom's a big fan of Kenny Rogers but I'm NOT. The last time I complained about him my mom said, "You probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for Kenny Rogers."

Oh yeah? Kenny Rogers got you all jacked up on NyQuil and told dad to buy those expired condoms from the discount bin at the Chinese dollar store? I've read your diary, mom!

Sheesh!

food heaven

So is it considered rude to talk about other food while you're eating your current food? I don't think the pheasant you're eating right now would appreciate you going on about the chicken you had last Tuesday. Show some respect, people! And if your food is poorly prepared... avoid saying things like, "This is the worst veal I've ever tasted!" Somewhere a baby cow would probably be crying. (Again.)

And just for the record... I think this only goes for animals. Fish are even questionable but I'll include them just because I'm feeling generous right now. If you're a dead potato and you're reading this... I mean, come on. You're a potato. What did you expect?

You're welcome.

ode to odes

Dearest odes,
How wonderful it is
that a format exists
in that we might pay homage to things
we find homage-worthy.

Countless times have I walked the streets
and seen something that sparks my delight.
I say to myself,
"An ode I should write
so all will know that I find 'such and such'
remarkable
to the point that I wrote an ode about it."

A word three letters long.
Simple.
Pure.
To the point:
Ode.

To honor thee
A mere tribute would not do
(I scoff at tributes)
to sanctify the ode's ode-worthiness.

At the dawn of man's awareness
that he found things beautiful;
in my imagination
one man must have said to another,
"This thing I find beautiful..."
(a sunset, let's say)
"This sunset I find beautiful
and thus
I shall tell others of its beauty
but in poetic language
rather than just prose."

"Wait!" says the companion,
"Are you talking about all sunsets
or just
this particular one?"

"It matters not," the first returns,
"for I have discovered this ode
--this new thing of beauty--
a reflection of a beautiful thing
that is in and of itself
beautiful."

"Oh. I see," says the friend,
"Are you saying
that instead of calling a
'sunset' a 'sunset'
that we should
call it an 'ode' instead?"
(and it would kind of
make sense
that he would ask such a thing.
They were still
coming up with names
for things
around that time.
probably.)

"NO!
No!" retorts the beautifier.
"You're still not getting it!
I'll just write one
and show you what I'm talking about afterwards."

"I guess. but how can you
write
a sunset?"

"Nevermind," says the dreamer,
thinking about how he needs to find
some new friends.

But I digress.
And digression
does not an ode serve well.
for a well-written ode
should keep its subject at its focal point
and not go off
on some tangent.

So now I'll stop
so as to diminish odes in general
no further.
For the truest tragedy would be
for one to find all odes distasteful
based on
one shitty ode.

You're welcome.

You're welcome

The Revo Disco Cat

ice-steam-ice

So... Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees**. That's a difference of 180 degrees. Expressed in angular terms, 180 degrees is a half-rotation and 360 degrees is a full rotation. If someone "pulls a 180," they're doing the opposite of what they previously did. Similarly... steam is kind of the opposite of ice... right?

So my question is this:

If you boil water to 392 degrees... would it TURN BACK IN TO ICE??!! (392-32=360 degrees.)

You're welcome.

**This only applies if you're using "real" temperatures (as opposed to the metric system). I'm pretty sure the ice-steam-ice thing wouldn't work in Canada since their water boils at different temperatures.

joke of the decade

This might be a bit premature, but I think I've come up with the best joke of the decade. At the very least, here's the best joke of the decade that I've come up with (so far):

Me: Hey. Does anyone know what state Dewey Beach is in?

Other: I'm pretty sure it's in Delaware.

Me: Dela-WHERE??!!


You're welcome.

tis the season

This being one of the last weeks in August, many of you will hear numerous people utter the sentence, "Well, I guess Summer's officially over." (Or something very close to that.) Knowing how calendar-savvy my readers are, I've prepared a speech you can deliver so as to correct these poor, misinformed souls:

----------------------------------
[the following should be shouted intensely]:

NO!

NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

No. No. No!!!

Summer is NOT "officially" over yet, you stupid piece of dog shit!! Look at a fucking calendar!! Summer ends in late September! LATE September!!! Not the day after Labor Day. Not the first day it's under 70 degrees outside! LATE. SEPTEMBER!!!! (You're dumber than donkey shit, you know.) I'll bet you're also one of those people who thinks that Winter ends the week after Christmas. Wrong again!! Wrong a-fucking-gain!! The reason it stays really cold until the middle of March is because IT'S STILL FUCKING WINTER THEN!!! And, right now, it's still mother-fucking summer! RIGHT NOW!!! RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW!!! In fact, we still have a whole MONTH of summer left-- SO FUCKING ENJOY IT!!! What a fucking idiot you are!

----------------------------------

So yeah! Print that out and carry it around in your wallet or whatever. I've found that's it's useful to carry two copies: One regular one... and one with some of the profanity marked out (for an audience consisting of people under the age of 8.)

Sorry to get so emotional. I just don't like it when people short-change my 3rd-favorite season.

You're welcome.

I've decided to become a vegetarian, once removed

So I think I get the whole "being a vegetarian" thing. It's good for the environment and supposedly it's a lot healthier. Not to mention, there's no harm done to the animals. But here's the thing: I like meat!! That said, I still think it's important to do something.

So here's what I decided to do: compromise.

I don't want to go through the hassle of not eating meat, and I'm still going to eat animals. But from now on, all the animals I eat need to be vegetarians. It's what I call, "being a vegetarian, once removed." What does that mean if you're planning to have me over for dinner anytime soon? If it eats other animals, no dice! No shark meat, no bear meat, no owl meat, etc.

So. What if I don't know if an animal does or doesn't eat meat? What does a salmon eat? I don't know. Grass? It's this little technique I like to use called "guessing."

So now that we've established that "being a vegetarian, once removed" is a real thing, what other ramifications does it have? I think it's best if I just give you an example:

Let's say you're a farmer who's just out minding your own business when all of a sudden, a moose attacks you. It's really mad and it ends up biting off one of your fingers and swallows it whole. (For the sake of argument, let's say you somehow know for a fact that this particular moose has been a vegetarian prior to this incident.) Is it OK to kill the moose and eat it? After all, it's your finger, so the net effect is pretty-much zero. On the other hand: if you eat an animal that's eaten part of you, does that make you a "self-cannibal, once removed?"

I think this is one of those questions that's outside of my pay grade, folks.

You're welcome.

3 pictures

I recently read that Radiohead's video for No Surprises was inspired by Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. I couldn't help but think of how the video (and song) relates to the movie. That said, I'm posting these pictures without further comment:







You're welcome.

profound thought for the day

I only think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others in one way or another. While I don't think said comparison is an inherently unhealthy exercise, it's also important to put things in perspective:

Right now, there are approximately 6 billion people roaming the earth. There's no way to objectively determine this, but one could argue that there is a "best-off" person and a "worst-off" person at any given moment in time. The odds of being either one of those people is only one in 6 billion.

Before I take matters further, let me restate the first sentence of the previous paragraph in another way: There are approximately 6 billion people roaming the earth... right now. In other words, loads of people are being born and loads of people are dying every single second of the day. I'm just pulling this number out of my ass, but lets just assume that, at one time or another, 20 billion different people will exist over the span of my lifetime. Now, the probability of having the best or worst overall, possible life (during my lifespan) drops to one in 20 billion.

Anyhoos-- back to my original point. Out of 20 billion people, there's really only one person who can say "You know what? I'm not really jealous of anyone." Similarly, only one person in 20 billion looks up to absolutely everybody else.

"But yeah, Justin. So what?" Well, here's what:

I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't want to trade places with the worst-off person in the 20 billion. But on that same note, I don't think I'd want to trade places with the best-off person, either. I guess the moral of the story is: be happy with what you have.

You're welcome.

the way we name numbers is stupid

Think about it.

The first 10 numbers are OK-- "one, two, three," etc.

But once you get past ten, things get silly. The next two numbers-- eleven and twelve-- have their own name. Then you start with thirteen, fourteen, etc., in which the "teen" identifies that there are an extra "ten" added to the "thir" for a total of thirteen.

Then, we flip-flop that convention and describe the "twenty" first, add a hyphen, and state, after the fact, how many things are in addition to "twenty" (i.e. twenty-four).

I guess my point is this; I like the way the first twenty numbers work-- especially when it comes to telling people your age. When you go from "nine" to "ten" to "eleven" its not such a big deal. Why? Because you kind of "ease your way in" to the next few numbers before finally admitting that you've added a ten.

Here's what I propose: Keep 1-29 the same. (People don't mind being in their 20's; plus, changing those numbers might confuse some people.) But once you get to "thirty"... we start changing them a little bit.

Obviously, 30 becomes "twenty-ten." Now here's where things get a little trixy. I don't think "twenty-eleven" and "twenty-twelve" are going to catch on, so let's go ahead and change 31 to "tweleven." Following that logic, one would presume that 32 now becomes "twe-twelve." Wrong! Why? It just sounds dumb, that's why. Instead, let's call it "twe-eleve" (pronounced "twuuh-ELV"). Or-- if that doesn't catch on either, we can just have two numbers called "twelve" (12 and 32). We would then leave 33-39 the same as they are right now, just like we re-start the "teens" at 13.

Now that we've got 1-39 sorted out, the rest of the numbers pretty-much work themeslves out. 40 becomes "thirty-ten," 41 becomes "threleven," 42 becomes "threlve," and so on. Here's the rest of the modified numbers:

51: foleven
52: forelve
61: fileven
62: flevle
71: sileven ("seh-leven")
72: siwelve
81: seleven ("suh-leven")
82: svelve
91: aleven ("aye-leven")
92: nienty-two** ("nie-EN-tee too")

** I couldn't think of a good-sounding modification to combine "eighty" and "twelve." That said, we should change it to something new anyways-- just for consistency's sake.

OK--I'm counting on you guys to spread the good word!!!

You're welcome.

product review

At first glance, it is impossible to surmise how the following product could possibly work:

To make a long story short, there is a considerable difference between your gender simply being "changed"... and your gender actually being "reassigned."

(Also-- Did you get the joke just now about making the long story short? Because it took me a while.)

You're welcome.

laodicean reaction

So this year's nashunal spelling be winnar kurrektly spelt the wurd "laodicean" to win the big priz.

laodicean-- lukewarm or indifferent, esp in religion

She is also from Kansas.

I couldn't be more excited.

You're welcome.

new word

I've decided to broaden the English language by proposing a new word:

vaginamite- (n, adj): having, causing, or pertaining to explosive, diva-like, womanly energy

Suggested Use:
1) Ain't nobody dancin' at this party!! Some bitch best throw out a stick of vaginamite!!

2) I'm about two seconds from bustin' out a 30-lb. keg of vaginamite on yo' ass!!

Pun Potential:
That bitch ain't no fun. Her vaginamite be all rotten.

Misuse:
(Not to be confused with the two-word term describing a fictional, crab-like disease/STI)

She *has* vagina mites.


There's already an entry on urbandictionary.com, but I don't think the current definitions do the term justice. Please visit the site and give my definition a "thumbs up" so it becomes the standard, most-mainstream usage. (The definition ranking is determined by the differential between "thumbs up" and "thumbs down"-- so voting the other definitions "down" will help as well.)

As always,
You're welcome.

my very first Amazon.com review!!!

So for my friend's birthday, I got him a plunger off of Amazon.com. As is their custom, the wonderful people at Amazon sent over a friendly e-mail suggesting that I submit a customer review and/or share my photos of said product. Sounds like fun!



As you can see from image above, the default photo doesn't really give one the idea of how powerful this plunger is. I thought it would be kind of disgusting to clog up the toilet for real, so we used the following ingredients to simulate a powerful bowel movement:

(1) can refried beans
3 oz. of diced tomatoes
3 oz. creamed corn
brown food coloring

Then, using a frosting decorator, I artistically recreated a circumstance that would likely clog a toilet.


Here's a fun little link to the photos I shared with the Amazon community. Link-o.

(Full disclosure before clicking the link: these may not be safe for a work-like environment and these images and/or my account may be deleted once a few complaints are issued.)

You're welcome.

words can not describe...

... how happy this makes me:

family update

While in some ways my grandmother's sex change operation went better than we had expected, in most ways it went way worse than we ever could have imagined. To put things in "baseball terms," it turns out that the saying "three strikes and you're out" most-definitely applies. However, a similar adage should be modified to read, "Four balls... and you don't walk."

Just thought I'd share.

You're welcome.

I, unlike Facebook, like, know what the opposite of "like" is

When somebody posts something on Facebook, you can inform that person that you "like" his/her post by clicking a button. However, if you change your mind and decide that you don't "like" it, you click "unlike" to stop liking it. But "unlike" is not really the opposite of "like." In other words, you initially "take pleasure in" said comment, but by undoing your action, you somehow decide that the comment is "dissimilar to" something.

That's unlike anything I've ever seen!

You're welcome.

family history

I've been reading up on my family history and stumbled upon an interesting find. My uncle Steve considered himself to be somewhat of an explorer, but he mainly just used that as an excuse to go get drunk in exotic locations and fool around with their ultra-cheap, bargain-bin whores. The bitter irony of his all-too-early demise, however, is that, somehow, he actually caught the syphilis from a mosquito, and the malaria from a prostitute. I guess one never can be too safe, can he?

You're welcome.

loser of the week

So I've decided I might start a new little segment, just to get me writing again. That said-- welcome to the first-ever edition of Loser of the Week!!!

I'm sure that by now, many of you have seen and/or heard of Susan Boyle, the middle-aged internet sensation made popular by singing a stupid song on some stupid teevee show. It's kind of neat the first time you watch it, but if you stop to think about it, it's not so inspiring at all. Here's why:

She seems to be a very talented singer, but it's somewhat surprising that she's waited so long to... you know... actually sing in public so that she could get noticed. In other words, why hasn't she been singing professionally (or at least semi-professionally) all along??!! I know it's not like you just sign up at the mall to be a star on Broadway, but if she can sing like that without any professional training, basically on a whim, then it's her own damn fault that she's emerging out of complete obscurity. When the folks at BGT interviewed her before her performance, she flat-out said that she didn't have a family or anything holding her back. What else could it be? Was she wrongly imprisoned for 20 years and is just now getting her big chance? These are the questions the world needs answered, so being a gererally inquisitive and resourceful person, I managed to get a phone interview with Susan to ask her why it took her so long to actually give a shit. Here it is:

ME: So, Susan-- you've become quite popular on the internet thanks to an inspiring performace on Britan's Got Talent. It seems to me that you could have had some relative success if you hadn't waited until you were 50 to show up to an audition. What was holding you back?

SB: (In her sweet British accent): Ooooh... I suppose it was laziness more than anythin' else. I'd considered takin' a day trip in to London a time or two and try out for a play or somethin'. Just never got 'round to it.

ME: This video of you on the show has really taken off on YouTube. Any thoughts on that?

SB: Funny you should mention that! It had dawned on me-- some time ago, actually-- to just take down a video of meself singin' the song in me kitchen or somethin'... and just post that on YouTube, you know? Just never quite 'round to it, I suppose.

ME: Do you have any other talents that you're waiting to share with us?

SB: (laughs) Ooooh... you know me. I sort o' like to dabble in a bit o' this and that from time to time. I was messin' about with me home chemistry set a few years back-- about fifteen years ago, actually-- and wouldn't ya know it?-- stumbled upon the cure for AIDS. Yeeaaah. Amazin' huh?

ME: (laughs) So when are you going to drop that bombshell on the world?

SB: Don't know. When I get around to it, I guess.

ME: You mean "if" you get around to it, right?

SB: Ha Ha. You kidder, you.

ME: Well, I'd just like to congradulate you once again on your success. And for being named A Babbling Brook of Bullshit's first-ever "Loser of the Week!"

SB: And thanks to you as well. I'll make it a point to check out your blog one o' these days.

ME: No, you won't.

SB: Haha. That's right! Keep forgettin' how bloody lazy I am!! Anyways-- Thanks for takin' the time to interview me.

You're welcome.